Back to Where It Began

Replaying on my XBOne means screenshots! Finally!

In many ways, my life started over in the spring of 2011.

I was three years out of an emotionally abusive relationship that left me questioning my worth, abilities, talents… everything. I was two years out from finishing my MFA, and the two years of that program, while amazing, were intensive and overwhelming and left me feeling burned out creatively. I was one year out from having purchased my XBox 360, and starting to rediscover my love of gaming. And it was that spring I was loaned a copy of BioWare’s Mass Effect.

Mass Effect engaged me in a way Halo and Left4Dead had not. While I loved the world and character of Halo, and quickly learned what it was to be in fandom again, the storytelling, characters, and world of Mass Effect engaged me completely. That particular semester, I had an end of day study hall duty that happened to be comprised mostly of gamers. We had great discussions about gaming, and at one point, a student, knowing my love of fantasy, suggested I’d like Dragon Age, since it had a lot of the same elements as Mass Effect. So I borrowed it. And it was just medieval Mass Effect.

Except… NOPE. It was so much more.

Alistair, Fianna, Morrigan, and Cat the Dog

In very little time I was fully immersed in the Blight-stricken land of Ferelden, and terms such as “The Maker”, “Ostagar”, “Orzammar”, “Circle of Magi”, “Andraste”, and “Tevinter” (eventually the most important of those!) became familiar. I fell into the plight of Ferelden and got to know Fianna Cousland, my Grey Warden, better than any character I’d ever worked with before. Her romance with Alistair (the first time I ever played) happened slowly, but also suddenly. It came unexpectedly, as did the relationships she forged with her companions. I was shocked when Zevran betrayed her in a back alley later in the game because I didn’t understand approval ratings. I struggled through the endlessness that was the Fade because I didn’t yet understand BioWare’s penchant for puzzles. I slogged through the Deep Roads because I didn’t yet know how much BioWare loves tormenting us (it’s okay, BioWare, I still love you).

I initially told Morrigan no way in the void was she going to sleep with Alistair. And then watched Riordan fall from Fort Drakon and realized Alistair or Fianna would have to kill the Archdemon, and reset to an earlier save.

In subsequent playthroughs I learned more about the mechanics and how to spec characters and build rapport so my team stuck with me. But a funny thing happened. I’d been so burned out creatively, but Dragon Age woke something up in me. These realized characters in this amazing world with its deep lore fascinated me so much, that I wanted to write about them. I hadn’t wanted to write in years, and, having received my MFA, figured if I did ever write again, it would have to be serious original fiction.

Fuck that. I wrote my first Dragon Age fic, “Beautiful Prison”, in June of 2011. It was a short bit about Alistair waiting to be recruited by Duncan. He tells your Warden the story in conversation, but I wanted to see the scene through his eyes, feel the tension in his mind.

Writing that piece felt like waking up to a new world. Possibly coming out of Uthenera, to use another DA word from their Dalish Elvehn culture. The words didn’t stop flowing. I needed an outlet and found a Facebook group dedicated to Alistair. I started finding friends to talk about DA with. I started crafting Dragon Age-themed things: from painting canvas shoes, to a fun little alphabet scrapbook, to my first ever cosplay, for PAX East 2012, where I got to meet the Dragon Age creative team. I met my best friend, who invited me to play D&D with her family and some friends.

So dragon. Much age. Wow.

A lot of people may scoff at the idea that a video game could change my life, especially when I was already in my thirties when I stumbled up on it. But through Dragon Age I branched out. I found a new friend group. Luna (BFF) invited me to her group’s annual Christmas party, where I met extended friends who weren’t in our D&D campaign. It felt nice to branch out and be creative. It felt nice to be social in different ways (though I totally loved my cats and my apartment, and did really enjoy going out with my work friends). But at that party, in walked my husband.

He wasn’t my husband then. Of course. Bard was one of the first to arrive after me. He was tall with dark hair and wide brown eyes and an adorable smile. We hit it off immediately and spent the next week chatting on Facebook. By March we were dating. By that July, 2012, we were engaged. By July 2013, we were married. In that time I kept writing, producing DA fanfic and articles for a DA fan site. I kept learning new cosplay skills and developing new D&D characters. Luna and I hung out a lot, and how cool was it that I got to move down the street from my best friend?

Much has happened in those intervening years: several PAX Easts are in the book, I have a sprawling Dragon Age headcanon with a huge series of fanfiction following my Inquisitor (Inqusition’s 2014 release changed even more!). I live down the street from Luna, and have made more friends through DA. I’ve tapered off my cosplaying some, but retain the skills I learned through sewing for it. Oh, I have a kid! In 2015 Bard and I welcomed our Smol Human. He started kindergarten this month.

And I’m still writing. In 2018 I got the confidence to try writing original again, taking inspiration from Dragon Age, Skyrim, and other games. I’m working on my series and loving it. Though I don’t always have a lot of time to work on it, I’m not overwhelmed or feeling disappointed or burned out by it. I’m creating again, I’m working with fantastic authors, and I feel alive in a way I didn’t before picking up Dragon Age: Origins in 2011.

I feel ya, Fianna. 2020’s been like that.

Earlier this month, BioWare released a teaser trailer confirming work on DA4 and the fandom went wild. It’s been six years since Inquisition, and to finally have more news (than just Solas’s voiceover with a graphic) sent us into an uproar. With that, I decided it was high time I booted up Origins once again and revisited Ferelden. Bard asked me if I’d play a different character and make different choices this time.

I see the appeal. But I wanted that feeling of coming home, of the Blight bringing people together, of waking up after a long sleep and coming to life again. I wanted to go back to where it started. Back not just to Origins, but the origin of where the last nearly 10 years have brought me, and that means playing Fianna’s story.

It felt good.

Like coming home.

Delirium in the Imperium

Part 1 of Dorian Pavus: Scholar of the Inquisition

Gaming is a big part of my identity, and has been since I was a kid and we got our first NES console. I’ve played quite a few games on a few different consoles over the years, and one of my favorite game series is BioWare’s Dragon Age. BioWare is known for their immersive storytelling, complex characters, and relationship building. The lore gleaned from the codex entries paints a picture of a rich, vast world full of possibilities. 

Thedas (literally shorthand for The Dragon Age Setting) is full of the expected humans, elves, and dwarves, but also the horned Qunari. It hosts a complex magic system that shapes beliefs, cultures, and even the world as a whole. The world is divided between the south, which is skeptical of magic and mages, and goes to sometimes extreme measures to ensure that magic doesn’t dare “rule over man”, as the Chant of Light forbids. And then there is my specialty: my favorite location, possibly because we know so little of it so far, or possibly because what we do know is fascinating: the northern lands of the Tevinter Imperium.

Throughout the first two Dragon Age games Tevinter is the shadowy land to the north, filled with ambitious magisters who don’t fear magic, nor do they subscribe to the most basic belief about magic: that it is meant to serve man, never to rule over him. The Tevinter characters we meet are stereotypically ambitious and yes, a bit evil and all too happy to let their magic establish their rule.

In the first two games we meet Caladrius, the magister helping filter elves from the Denerim Alienage into Tevinter slavery; Tahrone, the Tevinter mage experimenting on ways to stir up chaos in the Templar ranks in Kirkwall; Danarius, the wicked magister responsible for abusing his lyrium-marked slave, Fenris; and Hadriana, another magister and apprentice to Danarius, known for her cruelty to slaves. In these cases the characters are sadistic, ambitious, and seemingly irredeemable. The only sympathetic Tevinter character we meet is Fenris, an escaped slave bent on revenge against his former master. Fenris distrusts mages and magic in general, and as a Tevinter, gives us one angle on that location.

Dragon Age: Inquisition widens the world of Thedas, showing us more of Ferelden and giving us the opportunity to traverse quite a bit of Orlais. It also provides us with new characters from Tevinter, each one who shines light on a different facet of Tevinter society in a way previous characters, Fenris excepting, did. While most of the characters we’d met prior to this were flat, and their motivations empty beyond their ambitions, we get more depth in the Inquisition characters.

The central antagonist is Corypheus, a resurrected ancient magister: one of the first to assault the Fade, if the lore is to be believed (the Dragon Age developers are always quick to point out that the first line of Origins is “The Chantry tells us…”, meaning that, like everything, there may not be a simple explanation, or one we can take at face value). While he and the bulk of his Venatori fit the madman-bent-on-world-domination mold, Magister Gereon Alexius does not. 

Alexius shows us that domination isn’t the only motivating factor in this world. He didn’t join up to advance; he’s already a magister and a scholar (more on that later!), but he’s also a widower and a father with a dying son. Alexius is a powerful man caught in a situation over which he has no power. In Corypheus and the Venatori, Alexius may gain the power to save his son; his motivation is desperation. 

His son Felix is dying of Blight exposure, and his motives are driven by his father. Felix took ill after the darkspawn attack that killed his mother, and he sees how his wasting illness affects his father. Not much is said about Felix’s thoughts on this. Does he join the Venatori out of his own desperation? Does he join to keep giving his father hope? Or is it because his father barely lets him out of his sight for fear of losing him? Quite a bit can be left up to interpretation with him, but what’s important is that in the end he sees what grief and desperation has done to his father, and does what he can to help the Inquisition stop the Venatori.

In most of these cases we have characters making power grabs for what it can do for them, which is much of what we’ve seen from Tevinter characters (even if this time the motives are more complex). Inquisition also gives us Cremisius Aclassi, who originated as part of Tevinter’s soporati, or non-magic using class. Krem is a character who deserves a treatise in his own right, but one I’m neither prepared for, or qualified, to write, so for these purposes I’m focusing on his initial place in Tevinter society, and what he tells us about being from a soporati family.

If Fenris provides insights into the slave experience of Tevinter society, Krem shows someone who doesn’t have magical ability, but was also not a slave. This adds another layer of complexity and richness to Tevinter society. Tevinter is a complicated place where the mages aren’t herded into Circles, but sent for training–they’re more boarding schools or centers of academia than holding pens. They exist freely, cast spells freely, and even the poorest mage is still better off than the richest soporati. In the case of Krem and his family, they were comfortable enough; then a magister’s interference, even though well-intentioned, put the Aclassi tailors out of business. Krem’s father sold the family into slavery to survive, while Krem joined the military, and then eventually the mercenary company the Chargers. 

The novels and comics introduce other characters, but there is one notable Tevinter I’ve not mentioned yet, whose character and experience gives us even more insight into this society. Dorian Pavus is fascinating because he was raised with power and privilege, and could have become the flat, cackling magister that we’d seen in earlier games. His family is of the Altus class: the wealthiest, most powerful in the Imperium. He’s been bred for raw power and an impeccable bloodline, something he teases about lightly, but has just enough edge to his voice to suggest that it’s not the great practice the upper echelons of Tevinter society seem to think. Dorian comes from a slave-holding family and has some complex (and yes, often problematic) views on the topic. Dorian is a study in privilege who comes across as arrogant and self-assured, and not without reason. 

Dorian, however, is more than the flashy rockstar mage. Beyond his raw power and noble breeding, Dorian can possess a startling vulnerability; beyond his disdain for the practices of his homeland, he still loves Tevinter fiercely. He’s capable of acknowledging her flaws, and even when called out on some of the tough topics, he’s open to learning and admitting when he’s wrong.

He’s such a multilayered character, and between himself and Fenris, we are given one of the clearest glimpses into the reality of Tevinter life. But beyond all of that, what fascinates me most about Dorian is how intelligent he is. He’s a man who’s studied, who’s experimented, and who gets excited about magic in a way we don’t see from any other character. 

Because Dragon Age is my favorite game, and because academia is my favorite trope, it pleases me to present Dorian Pavus, Scholar of the Inquisition.